I always strive to project a positive image and limit the negativity on the blog to the minimum because depressing ramblings would be the last thing you or me want to think or read after a burdensome and mundane day. I have learned over the years that if we keep wallowing in frustrations or restlessness instead of actively doing something to change how we feel be it exercising, writing, hanging out or yes…doing some retail therapy, we’re only in for more of them. For a long time, I have successfully managed to avoid being trapped in self-pity. Life, as we know it, isn’t all rainbows and butterflies though, and there are times when I feel quite low. The past two weeks have certainly been one of those.
I went in for some important interviews during the last two weeks. No word about whether I’m in or I’m out has been communicated, which makes me feel quite antsy. I have been interviewing long enough to know that under such circumstances, it’s safe to assume the worst. Nevertheless, there’s this part of me that still clings on to the thin thread of hope because for the first time in years, I truly want to get the job I’m interviewing for. (There is a big difference between wanting to get a job because you want to be gainfully employed and wanting to get a job because you feel like that job is a good fit for you and your ticket to many other great opportunities down the road. I went through the motions with all of my jobs in the past.) I hate my life being stuck in this sad state of stagnancy where it’s neither completely standing still nor swimming smoothly. I try to find solace in the fact that it’s perfectly alright, no actually normal, to feel anxious and uncertain in our 20s, and that we have to go through the lows to appreciate the highs. Heck, I’d rather be going through all the existential crisis now than, say, when I push 30s or 40s and have little to no idea of who I am or what I want to be. The truth of the matter is that toughing it out is no simple task especially when most people in my cohorts here have already been well secure with a steady job, marriage, kids and all that jazz. Now that I’m actually done with judging their choices, karma comes bite me in the ass. I question everyday what I’m doing and if I’m on the right track. I’m terrified that in a few years I’d come to a bitter realization that everything is the result of me dreaming too much and not keeping my feet on the grounds. I’m terrified that I’d not be able to find where I stand in the world and fail miserably. My parents have sacrificed all their life to give me all the opportunities that I have had, and the last thing I’d want is to let them down. I’m lost.
P/S: It’s also really not helping that the weather has been bipolar as fuck for the past two weeks and induced me into a terrible state of lethargy, the result of which was me binging on carbs and sweets. And I felt guilty as charged afterwards. And the fact that there are so many fucking mosquitos here in the third world all clamoring for my sweet blood all day, everyday is really pushing me over the edge.